I actually wish I had paid more attention to my own host family – they were both very accomplished and ambitious, and were self-employed. Now that I am in business for myself, I wish I’d been a bit more interested in my future than I was in boys and going out to party. It wouldn’t have taken much more effort on my part to simply have my eyes and ears open, ready to learn from them.

That said, I did learn from my host parents. I learned more about organization from my host parents than I did my own parents. Granted, they (my host parents) were German and, in my opinion, a bit over-the-top about some things. BUT – I did learn, among other things, the importance of making lists, getting mundane tasks sooner rather than later, and washing  dishes while you’re preparing a meal (avoiding a pile of dirty mess before you’ve even eaten – so practical!). I also learned the importance of honesty and straightforwardness – again, a very German trait, but a very worthwhile one.

Just to be clear, I am not advising you forgo fun nights out on the town to stay home and follow your host parents around with a notebook and pencil. But keep an open mind and be willing to learning from how they live life. While your host family is most certainly not perfect, you may have landed with a gem of a family, and with people who could help you grow as a person. Listen to them and learn, remembering that one day you may end up looking back, wishing you’d paid more attention!

I’d love to hear from any current – or past – au pairs on this one. What have you learned from your host family? Did your experience with them impact you in any way beyond the typical cultural exchange? Do share!

Of course, if it is entirely anonymous and/or entirely positive, you might be able to pull if off. But if your blog can be traced to you and your family, then it might better to hold off – or else censor your thoughts – while you are living with and dependent on – your host family. Another option is to blog only (or at least mostly) about your life experiences beyond the au pair job, leaving the host family out of it. Considering all that you’re probably experiencing, you will probably be able to keep busy with the details of life outside your host family’s four walls.

If you still really want to keep a detailed account of your life as an au pair, including all the ups and downs, then do so, but save it for later. You can easily create a file to save your ‘diary’ entries, to consider posting online later (perhaps way later, depending on the content!). You can even change names to protect you and your host family.

Whatever you decide, keep your host family’s privacy, and your pride, in mind. In today’s world of brutal online honesty, prudence may be best!

Don’t forget to keep your host family in mind when budgeting and shopping for Christmas gifts. Chances are, they’ll be planning a nice gift for you. And even if they aren’t, you’ll probably want to get them something, or at the very least, something small for the children. Don’t feel obligated to drop a lot of cash, but do be creative, especially if money is tight for you. Offer to babysit the children an extra night, or give them a gift certificate for a special family dinner that you will make (only don’t promise if you can’t deliver).  It doesn’t have to be anything extraordinary, but your family would probably love something personal and original.

For starters, be aware of what is going on around you. When living cross-culturally, at times there may be trouble that you are unaware of. It can be easy to offend or break an unknown rule, since host families and au pairs are likely following a different set of cultural standards. If you aren’t careful, the differences may be small enough to miss, but easy enough to turn into something bigger, if ignored. (Now this does NOT mean that you should walk on egg shells, constantly fearing a problem with your host family. However, it does mean that you should be sensitive enough to know what is going on around you. If you start picking up vibes that something is wrong, then be proactive and do something about it).

When it becomes clear that something is wrong, address the issue, don’t ignore it. Two things will keep the relationship from trouble: honesty and responsibility. To keep life running smoothly for you, the au pair, and your host family, it is very important to be honest about problems that occur. This is true not only when you are the guilty party, but when your host family is as well. If something happens that really bothers you (and no, having to work an extra hour or two one day in a hundred does not count!), talk with your host parents about it. This will work out much better than simply ignoring problems, hoping that they’ll go away.

Responsibility is also critical. If your host family has a legitimate problem with something you have done, then accept responsibility so that the problem can be taken care of and you can all move on. Admitting fault is something nobody likes to do, but it will keep your relationship from souring. As long as you learn from your mistake and keep from repeating it, you will ultimately benefit and grow from it.

I was lucky in that I instantly felt comfortable with my host family. Part of it was that we had established a decent connection via email in the weeks before my arrival. This contact helped us get to know each other, at least to some level, before actually meeting. Taking the time to write your family, telling them about yourself and your home life, will help lay the groundwork for the relationship. Finding out more about them will also help you feel more comfortable with the family before you actually meet, limiting the awkward newness that can come from moving in with nearly total strangers.

Regardless of how your initial meeting with your family is, keep an open mind, good attitude, and willingness to give the relationship time to develop. If both sides are willing to put effort into making the situation work, you will truly feel as though you are one of the family within a short matter of time.

However, if you do insist on finding and negotiating with a host family yourself, there are a few things to remember. First, there are many online au pair sites where you can begin your search. You can register, usually for free, and look at the profiles of potential families from all over the world. When considering a family, make sure you establish contact with them – study their profiles carefully and ask detailed questions about what their expectations are for an au pair. Second, find out more about them personally. Many families consider themselves laid-back and fun, but if you dig deeply enough, it may become clear that their definitions of those qualities are nothing like yours. Make sure you’re on the same page. Finally, be sure to have an attorney read through and manage your contract with the family you choose. This could be a little tricky, considering it’s an international agreement, but consulting a legal expert in advance will save you time, money, and headache should things go wrong. And remember – most host families turn out fine and it’s likely that your experience will be good – but having a written agreement, especially without a professional agency’s involvement, will help protect you.

In the end, the decision to go with our without an agency is entirely up to you – but as confining as using professionals may seem, their help might just make your time better than it would have been had you done everything yourself. Au pair agencies help in all situations, not only the disastrous ones. Keep this in mind – and remember, that the goal is to maximize your time abroad, while minimizing headache and stress (taking care of children and dealing with a foreign country will be tough enough!).

This website has a link to the International Au Pair Association, where you can find scores of trusted au pair agencies who have been tested by the industry standard. It’s a great place to start your search. Simply choose your country of interest to visit reputable agencies from that country. Of course, it is possible for decent agencies to exist who are not IAPA members, but you will have to be a little more cautious. Some agencies are fronts for not-so-wholesome enterprises, so you will want to be careful and make sure they have a legitimate track record of professionalism. Americans don’t have to worry about this as much as girls from other areas, but prudence is always wise.

In any case, as long as you find a couple of good agencies to start scoping out families for you, you will be well on your way to finding a great family to live with and work for.